The question has been raised “Do non S-Anons attend S-Anon
Couples in Recovery” groups? It is the intention of this article to lead the
reader to the conclusion that everyone who attends an S-Anon Couples in
Recovery group is, in fact, a member of S-Anon.
The Third Tradition: The
relatives of sexaholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call
themselves an S-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no
other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a
problem of sexaholism in a relative or friend.
Is the S-Anon Couples in Recovery group an S-Anon group?
Yes. “The relatives of sexaholics, when
gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an S-Anon Family Group,
provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation….”
People who come to these meetings are seeking "mutual
aid" in restoring their families. What could be a truer example of an
S-Anon Family Group?
S-Anon is the very first word in the meeting title. These
are not Sexaholic and Spouse Couples in Recovery. These are not Spouse and
Sexaholic Couples Meetings. They only affiliation of S-Anon Couples in Recovery
is S-Anon. The groups are listed at the World Service Office.
Until recently, the groups were listed on S-Anon Intergroup
web sites and were allowed to participate at and vote in intergroup meetings.
S-Anon Couples in Recovery groups have no other affiliation
than S-Anon. They are not affiliated with any recovery program other than
S-Anon.
”The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of sexaholism in a relative or friend.”
Someone has suggested that S-Anon has a requirement
that attendees have a problem with sexaholism in a relative or friend. This
article contends that the third tradition does not read "The only
requirement for membership is having a problem with sexaholism in a relative or
friend". Instead, it lists being a friend or relative of someone with the
problem of sexaholism as being the only requirement for membership.
People are not required to have a problem with
sexaholism in a friend or relative, they are required to have a friend or
relative with the problem
Who is an S-Anon? There are no membership cards in S-Anon.
No tattoos, passwords or secret handshakes are required. There is no membership
committee that authorizes one person as a member while denying another. There
are no degrees of membership that provide varying levels of privilege. No
member of any of these organizations is entitled to quiz another as to why they
happen to qualify for membership. Longevity of membership does not give one
member rights over another.
S-Anon, like Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon and Sexaholics
Anonymous does not have “rules” that would grant or deny membership to an
individual. It is generally accepted that someone is a member of these
organizations when they have the problem as defined by each fellowship. Someone
does not have to be at AA meetings to be an alcoholic, at Al-Anon meetings to
have their life affected by another person’s drinking, at SA meetings to be a
sexaholic or at S-Anon meetings to have been affected by sexaholism in another
person.
While many people who do not attend meetings of S-Anon may
be considered to meet the “only
requirement for membership”, it is accepted that when someone comes,
voluntarily, to an S-Anon meeting that they are a member.
Someone might meet the qualifications of S-Anon membership
without even knowing what S-Anon is. The S-Anon Problem states the
problem of sexaholism could even be in a non-friend teacher or boss. “It does not matter whether we were willing,
unwilling, or unknowing participants in the relationship.”
Traditionally, when we talk about the S-Anon Couples in
Recovery meetings, we talk about a married couple where one attends other
S-Anon meetings and his or her spouse may or may not.
Does this mean that one is an S-Anon and the other is not?
No. “There is no degree of membership”
Does the third tradition demand that the spouse say “I am an
S-Anon” in order to meet the qualifications of membership? No. When someone
voluntarily attends an S-Anon meeting they are a member.
Let’s look at who the spouses are and other reasons why they
qualify to be called members of S-Anon.
Some are descended from grandparents or parents who have the problem of
sexaholism. Some have aunts, uncles, cousins, or step-family with the problem.
Some are the parents of children with the problem. Some have encountered
clergy, teachers, bosses, neighbors, classmates, fellow military service
members or others with the problem. Sometimes they were “unwilling, or unknowing participants in the relationship.” These
people meet the requirement of membership.
Some have used pornography produced and or distributed by a
person with sexaholism. Some have acted out with another person who has a problem
of sexaholism. These people meet the requirement of membership.
Some of the spouses are in recovery programs for sexaholism.
Once someone starts on a recovery program they encounter others who have “a
problem of sexaholism”. As sponsees, sponsors and fellowship members they have
friends who have the problem. These people meet the requirement of membership.
We do not have a “membership monitor” that can decide if
someone should be included or excluded from our meetings.
Let’s look at the AA literature of Tradition Three. In the
AA Grapevine of Feb 1948, Bill W. wrote "Our
membership ought to include all who suffer alcoholism. Hence we may refuse none
who wish to recover. Nor ought A.A. membership ever depend upon money or
conformity. Any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety may call
themselves an A.A. group, provided that, as a group, they have no other
affiliation."
In the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, the
chapter on Tradition Three discusses how the AA fellowship moved beyond trying
to restrict membership to “pure alcoholics”. It concludes with the line "So the hand of Providence early gave
us a sign that any alcoholic is a member of our Society when he says so."
Looking at Al-Anon literature for the Al-Anon view of people
who are members of both both Al-Anon and Alcoholics Anonymous we find that in 1979 Al-Anon produced a pamphlet called Double Winners. Some interesting quotes from this pamphlet are from a member
named Bill:
BILL: I go to AA to stay sober, to remind myself that I am
powerless over alcohol; I go to Al-Anon to learn more about living with other
people. I'm powerless over them, too.BILL: When I go to an Al-Anon meeting, I do not say I am alcoholic. I concentrate on identifying as a concerned family member. At Al-Anon, my focus is on letting go and getting another perspective.
When someone attends a meeting of S-Anon Couples in
Recovery, they are attending an S-Anon meeting. Each and every person who attends a meeting of S-Anon
Couples in Recovery is an S-Anon.
Blog article written by the sanon4couples.org editorial staff March 2015
