The 12 Traditions as a guide to the Coupleship

The 12 Traditions as a guide to the Coupleship

It is said that the unity of 12 Step programs is the most cherished quality our fellowships have. Our lives depend supon it. The practice of our steps puts our individual lives in order, but not necessarily our relationships. The Traditions can be guidelines for behavior in our relationships.

The S-Anon twelve traditions can be used as a guideline for behavior within our relationships. Some suggested topics for discussion include

1) Are we working towards our common welfare in the relationship? Are we supporting each other in our personal progress?
2) Do we accept that the only authority in the relationship is a loving God, as He may express Himself? Do we work together on decisions?
3) Do we accept that we are equal members?
4) Are we autonomous?
5) Are we welcoming and giving comfort to other couples?
6) Are we being diverted from our primary spiritual aim?
7) Are we self-supporting? Are we relying on contributions from outside?
8) Are we making "a sole vocation of this work" AA pg 19?
9) Are we willing to seek outside help if it is necessary?
10) Are staying out of public controversy?
11) Are we guarding the anonymity of others?
12) Are we keeping principles above personalities?
 

If I disagree with the majority, am I still following the First Tradition of S-Anon?

The S-Anon Traditions, like the SAnon Steps derive from the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions originally published by AA. Some individuals seem to interpret the first Tradition to mean, "never disagree with the majority".  Other members see this attitude as being dysfunctional.
Did the founders intend for majority rule, with no disagreement?
One of the earliest writing on the First Tradition, by Bill W., a co-founder of AA is reprinted here.

On Tradition One

“Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity."

Editorial by Bill W.
A.A. Grapevine, December, 1947

"Each member of Alcoholics Anonymous is but a small part of a great whole. A.A. must continue to live or most of us will surely die. Hence our common welfare comes first. But individual welfare follows close afterward."

Our whole A.A. program is securely founded on the principle of humility--that is to say, perspective. Which implies, among other things, that we relate ourselves rightly to God and to our fellows; that we each see ourselves as we really are--"a small part of a great whole." Seeing our fellows thus, we shall enjoy group harmony. That is why A.A. Tradition can confidently state, "Our common welfare comes first."

"Does this mean," some will ask, "that in A.A. the individual doesn't count too much? Is he to be swallowed up, dominated by the group?"

No, it doesn't seem to work out that way. Perhaps there is no society on earth more solicitous of personal welfare, more careful to grant the individual the greatest possible liberty of belief and action. Alcoholics Anonymous has no "musts." Few A.A. groups impose penalties on anyone for non-conformity. We do suggest, but we don't discipline. Instead, compliance or non-compliance with any principle of A.A. is a matter for the conscience of the individual; he is the judge of his own conduct. Those words of old time, "Judge not," we observe most literally.

"But," some will argue, "if A.A. has no authority to govern its individual members or groups, how shall it ever be sure that the common welfare does come first? How is it possible to be governed without a government? If everyone can do as he pleases, how can you have aught but anarchy?"

The answer seems to be that we A.A.s cannot really do as we please, though there is no constituted human authority to restrain us. Actually, our common welfare is protected by powerful safeguards. The moment any action seriously threatens the common welfare, group opinion mobilizes to remind us; our conscience begins to complain. If one persists, he may become so disturbed as to get drunk; alcohol gives him a beating. Group opinion shows him that he is off the beam, his own conscience tells him that he is dead wrong, and, if he goes too far, Barleycorn brings him real conviction.

So it is we learn that in matters deeply affecting the group as a whole, "our common welfare comes first." Rebellion ceases and cooperation begins because it must; we have disciplined ourselves.

Eventually, of course, we cooperate because we really wish to; we see that without substantial unity there can be no A.A., and that without A.A. there can be little lasting recovery for anyone. We gladly set aside personal ambitions whenever these might harm A.A. We humbly confess that we are but "a small part of a great whole."

Bill W.

The A.A. Grapevine, December, 1947

The 12 Traditions of S-Anon

The Twelve Traditions of S-Anon

The Twelve Traditions are guidelines for the life of individual S-Anon groups and for S-Anon as a whole. These principles arose from the experience of S-Anon groups and other long-established Twelve-Step programs. They are the means by which S-Anon maintains its unity and relates to the world around it.

1. Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity.
2. For our group purpose there is but one authority a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants - they do not govern.
3. The relatives of sexaholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an S-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of sexaholism in a relative or friend.
4. Each group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or S-Anon or SA as a whole.
5. Each S-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of sexaholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of S-Anon, by encouraging and understanding our sexaholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to the families of sexaholics.
6. Our S-Anon Family Groups ought never endorse, finance, or lend our name to any outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary spiritual aim. Although a separate entity, we should always cooperate with Sexaholics Anonymous.
7. Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
8. S-Anon Twelfth-Step work should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers.
9. Our groups, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
10. The S-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion, we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV and films. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all S-Anon and SA members.
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.

(The Twelve Traditions reprinted and adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. Permission to reprint and adapt the Steps and Traditions does not mean that AA is affiliated with this program. AA is a program of recovery from alcoholism - use of this material in connection with programs which are patterned after AA, but which address other problems, does not imply otherwise.)

SA and S-Anon  International Conventions are great places to meet other Couples in Recovery. These conventions are held twice a year, in January and in July. Despite being called "International", they are all held in the United States. Members do come from other countries.

These are great places to share experience, strength and hope in individual programs and in the coupleship.
Rebuilding trust from sex addiction is not easy. It's all one day at a time.

The next International Convention is in Portland:

January 23 - 25, 2015SA and S-Anon International Convention
Location: Portland, OR
Theme: Awakening the Spirit
For More Information:
     Web: www.awakeningthespirit2015.com

Finding S Anon Couples Meetings | Couples in Recovery

S-Anon publishes a booklet “Recovering Together: Issues Faced by Couples”, which is a great resource for Sanon Couples Meetings. If you want to find an S-Anon Couples Meeting, there are several listed on our web site on the Meetings page. If there is not one listed, check with your local S-Anon Intergroup.
S-Anon Couple meetings are considered "Special meetings" so they are often not listed on Intergroup web sites.

S-Anon Couples in Recovery

Why SAnon Couples in Recovery? How can a singular program work for two? We start by working our own programs individually. In SA and S-Anon, we learn that we need to concentrate on our own recovery and keep the focus on ourselves.
"But how does that fit with learning new ways of being together so that the relationship can heal? Recovering in a relationship presents us with a variety of issues. Isn't it irrational to trust a person who has proven untrustworthy? How can we communicate honestly with each other when we haven't for so long? Can our sexual relationship ever be a joyous and fulfilling expression of our commitment to one another? We thought we were committed but how long should we wait for real change to occur?"

For more on S-Anon Couples in Recovery, please visit our web page.