S-Anon Tradition 5 – One Purpose

S-Anon Tradition 5 – One Purpose

It’s May, the fifth month of the year and our continuing study of the Twelve Traditions of S-Anon brings us to Tradition 5. Each S-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of sexaholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of S-Anon, by encouraging and understanding our sexaholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to the families of sexaholics.

This Tradition, like the Eleven others were all adapted from the Twelve Traditions of AA. The Fifth Tradition of AA reads Each group has but one primary purpose —to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers. The article about the Fifth Tradition in Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions says “The very life of our Fellowship requires the preservation of this principle.”

Early AA’s had a saying “Put the plug in the jug, clean house and help others”. Before we came to our first meeting, many of us thought that our partnership was inextricably broken. Many members of S-Anon Couples in Recovery have found that applying the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions within a coupleship leads to improvements in trust, honesty, hope and commitment.

The members of the S-Anon Couples in Recovery groups have demonstrated that they can help other families where others seldom can. What we can transmit to the new couple is not dependent on therapy, eloquence or education but on our own experience. We have a legacy of suffering and recovery that we pass freely onto others that seek relief. This is our primary purpose.

A great paradox of all twelve step programs is that we can only keep as much recovery as we are willing to give away. We must carry the message to those families that don’t know there is a way out.

 

New Meetings on the Meeting List

We have been receiving notice of new meetings and meeting changes.  We recently added S-Anon Couples in Recovery meetings in Florida and Indiana as well as a meeting change in California. If you would like your meeting listed or have a change, please send us an email at sanon4couples@gmail.org


Florida - New Meeting on list
7:00 PM Fort Myers, FL – Every Sunday, Riverside Church, 8660 Daniels Parkway, Fort Myers, FL


Indiana - New Meeting on list
1:30 PM Noblesville, IN – 1st Saturday of each month 698 N 10th St Please enter through side door




California - Meeting location change
7 PM Union City, CA 4th Saturday - Kaiser Permanenete Medical Offices, 3553 Whipple Rd, Union City Building B Second Floor, rooms 2A


To see the complete meeting list, please visit: http://www.sanon4couples.org/meetings.html

Tradition 4 and Rule #62

The 4th Tradition : Each group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or S-Anon or SA as a whole.

The Fourth Tradition, like all of the others, stems from the original 12 Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. There are essays on each of the Traditions and Steps in the conference approved AA classic book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions: A co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous tells how members recover and how the society functions.

The Traditions were based upon the experience of the early and growing A.A. program. The chapter on the 4th Tradition addresses the issue of group autonomy:

"This meant , of course, that we had been given the courage to declare each A.A. group an individual entity, strictly reliant on its own conscience as a guide to action. In charting this enormous expanse of freedom, we found it necessary to post only two storm signals: A group ought not do anything which would greatly injure A. A. as a whole, nor ought it affiliate itself with anything or anybody else. There would be a real danger should we commence to call some groups "wet," others "dry," still others "Republican" or "Communist," and yet others "Catholic" or "Protestant." The A. A. group would have to stick to its course or be hopelessly lost. Sobriety has to be its sole objective. In all other respects there was perfect freedom of will and action. Every group had the right to be wrong."

The chapter also discusses A.A. Rule #62

An early A.A. group had grand plans to build a hospital and recovery center. They would sober the drunks and help them out of their back debts.
"To insure foolproof, continuous operation, sixty-one rules and regulations were adopted." The venture collapsed and "A chill chokedamp of fear and frustration fell over the group."
"The head promoter wrote the Foundation office. He said he wished he'd paid some attention to A.A. experience. Then he did something else that was to become an A.A. classic. It all went on a little card about golf-score size. The cover read: "Middleton Group #1, Rule #62." Once the card was unfolded, a single pungent sentence leaped to the eye: "Don't take yourself too damn seriously."

How can we apply this Tradition to our S-Anon Couples in Recovery groups? S-Anon Couples in Recovery groups are only affiliated with S-Anon. Many of our members qualify for and are possible members of other 12 step programs. Being a member of a "beverage program", "food program", "shopping program", "wagering program", or "lust program" does not negate or exclude someone from being an S-Anon as well.
Many of our groups meet in churches but that does not mean there is any affiliation. Our groups pay rent for their meeting places. Some of our meetings may take place in Spanish. This does not imply there is an affiliation with Spain. Likewise, English speaking meetings do not mean there is an affiliation with England. Each meetings is autonomous.

How do we apply this Tradition in our coupleships? One couple shared:

We are committed to each other.
We don't have a family religion. Each of us is free to believe in the God of our understanding. We also don't have a family political standing. We tend to vote for candidates that are polar opposites. We don't commit our partners to a contract or course of action without their consultation or approval. We try not to take ourselves "too damn seriously".

Frequently Asked Questions about S-Anon Couples in Recovery

We have taken time to set up a page with FAQ about S-Anon Couples in Recovery on our web site www.sanon4couples.org. The Frequently Asked Questions about Sanon Couples in Recovery is located here .

In the FAQ about S-Anon Couples in Recovery we answer questions like:

Who are the members? How much does this cost?
Is this a support group ?
Is this a religious program?
Do I have to say anything?
Who runs the meetings?
How can I find a meeting?

Tradition 3 - The Only Requirement for Membership

The question has been raised “Do non S-Anons attend S-Anon Couples in Recovery” groups? It is the intention of this article to lead the reader to the conclusion that everyone who attends an S-Anon Couples in Recovery group is, in fact, a member of S-Anon.

The Third Tradition: The relatives of sexaholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an S-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of sexaholism in a relative or friend.

Is the S-Anon Couples in Recovery group an S-Anon group? Yes. “The relatives of sexaholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an S-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation….” 

People who come to these meetings are seeking "mutual aid" in restoring their families. What could be a truer example of an S-Anon Family Group?

S-Anon is the very first word in the meeting title. These are not Sexaholic and Spouse Couples in Recovery. These are not Spouse and Sexaholic Couples Meetings. They only affiliation of S-Anon Couples in Recovery is S-Anon. The groups are listed at the World Service Office.

Until recently, the groups were listed on S-Anon Intergroup web sites and were allowed to participate at and vote in intergroup meetings.

S-Anon Couples in Recovery groups have no other affiliation than S-Anon. They are not affiliated with any recovery program other than S-Anon.

”The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of sexaholism in a relative or friend.”

Someone has suggested that S-Anon has a requirement that attendees have a problem with sexaholism in a relative or friend. This article contends that the third tradition does not read "The only requirement for membership is having a problem with sexaholism in a relative or friend". Instead, it lists being a friend or relative of someone with the problem of sexaholism as being the only requirement for membership.

People are not required to have a problem with sexaholism in a friend or relative, they are required to have a friend or relative with the problem

Who is an S-Anon? There are no membership cards in S-Anon. No tattoos, passwords or secret handshakes are required. There is no membership committee that authorizes one person as a member while denying another. There are no degrees of membership that provide varying levels of privilege. No member of any of these organizations is entitled to quiz another as to why they happen to qualify for membership. Longevity of membership does not give one member rights over another.

S-Anon, like Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon and Sexaholics Anonymous does not have “rules” that would grant or deny membership to an individual. It is generally accepted that someone is a member of these organizations when they have the problem as defined by each fellowship. Someone does not have to be at AA meetings to be an alcoholic, at Al-Anon meetings to have their life affected by another person’s drinking, at SA meetings to be a sexaholic or at S-Anon meetings to have been affected by sexaholism in another person.

While many people who do not attend meetings of S-Anon may be considered to meet the “only requirement for membership”, it is accepted that when someone comes, voluntarily, to an S-Anon meeting that they are a member.

Someone might meet the qualifications of S-Anon membership without even knowing what S-Anon is. The S-Anon Problem states the problem of sexaholism could even be in a non-friend teacher or boss. “It does not matter whether we were willing, unwilling, or unknowing participants in the relationship.”

Traditionally, when we talk about the S-Anon Couples in Recovery meetings, we talk about a married couple where one attends other S-Anon meetings and his or her spouse may or may not.

Does this mean that one is an S-Anon and the other is not? No. “There is no degree of membership”

Does the third tradition demand that the spouse say “I am an S-Anon” in order to meet the qualifications of membership? No. When someone voluntarily attends an S-Anon meeting they are a member.

Let’s look at who the spouses are and other reasons why they qualify to be called members of S-Anon.  Some are descended from grandparents or parents who have the problem of sexaholism. Some have aunts, uncles, cousins, or step-family with the problem. Some are the parents of children with the problem. Some have encountered clergy, teachers, bosses, neighbors, classmates, fellow military service members or others with the problem. Sometimes they were “unwilling, or unknowing participants in the relationship.” These people meet the requirement of membership.

Some have used pornography produced and or distributed by a person with sexaholism. Some have acted out with another person who has a problem of sexaholism. These people meet the requirement of membership.

Some of the spouses are in recovery programs for sexaholism. Once someone starts on a recovery program they encounter others who have “a problem of sexaholism”. As sponsees, sponsors and fellowship members they have friends who have the problem. These people meet the requirement of membership.

We do not have a “membership monitor” that can decide if someone should be included or excluded from our meetings.

Let’s look at the AA literature of Tradition Three. In the AA Grapevine of Feb 1948, Bill W. wrote "Our membership ought to include all who suffer alcoholism. Hence we may refuse none who wish to recover. Nor ought A.A. membership ever depend upon money or conformity. Any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an A.A. group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation."

In the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, the chapter on Tradition Three discusses how the AA fellowship moved beyond trying to restrict membership to “pure alcoholics”. It concludes with the line "So the hand of Providence early gave us a sign that any alcoholic is a member of our Society when he says so."

Looking at Al-Anon literature for the Al-Anon view of people who are members of both both Al-Anon and Alcoholics Anonymous we find that in 1979 Al-Anon produced a pamphlet called Double Winners. Some interesting quotes from this pamphlet are from a member named Bill:

BILL: I go to AA to stay sober, to remind myself that I am powerless over alcohol; I go to Al-Anon to learn more about living with other people. I'm powerless over them, too.
BILL: When I go to an Al-Anon meeting, I do not say I am alcoholic. I concentrate on identifying as a concerned family member. At Al-Anon, my focus is on letting go and getting another perspective.

 

When someone attends a meeting of S-Anon Couples in Recovery, they are attending an S-Anon meeting. Each and every person who attends a meeting of S-Anon Couples in Recovery is an S-Anon.

 

Blog article written by the sanon4couples.org editorial staff March 2015 

Tradition 2 and S-Anon Couples in Recovery

Traditions 2: For our group purpose there is but one authority a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants - they do not govern.

The groups of S-Anon Couples in Recovery do not have leaders. There are no professional's, no therapists in charge. We do have people serving as the meeting chair, treasurer and secretary , however, these are rotating positions. These are our trusted servants. These are also service positions. Most of the members find that doing service to the group, results in enhancing their own recovery.

The trusted servants do not tell other members what they must or must not do. We don't create by-laws or rules that are designed to control other peoples behaviors. The illusion of being in control seems to be a major S-Anon and SA symptom.

The following is adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous Chapter 3. Adapted text is Bold and Underlined

 

We members of S-Anon are men and women who have lost the ability to control others. We know that no real member ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief - were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that people of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better...

Our trusted servants practice caution.

On page 123, Alcoholics Anonymous comes of Age, Bill Wilson states:

 ....enduring leadership of A.A. their is the quiet opinion, the sure knowledge, and the humble example that resolves a crisis. When sorely perplexed, the group inevitably turns to them for advice. They become the voice of the group conscience. They are, in fact, the true voice of Alcoholics Anonymous. They do not drive by mandate; they lead by example......This is why A.A. can never be organized under any known form of government.

Stories of Experience, Strength and Hope

The following quote is from the AA Big Book "A Vision for You"
Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.
Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.
May God bless you and keep you — until then.

Ours is a program of attraction rather than promotion. How can we share the message of recovery with other couples? We try to carry out the directive of the Fifth Tradition: Each S-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of sexaholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of S-Anon, by encouraging and understanding our sexaholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to the families of sexaholics.

Within conference approved literature there are no stories that of Couples experience strength and hope that may be shared online. This is an invitation for couples to share about their journey of recovery. If you, as a couple, would like to share, please email us at sanon4couples@gmail.com.

Please share how working the Steps and Traditions and attending S-Anon Couples in Recovery has strengthened honesty, commitment, trust, forgiveness and communication within your coupleship. All sharing will be published anonymously.